A few weeks ago I went grocery shopping without the kids. Ryon was home so I got a few hours to myself to shop. I was walking through the cheese aisle and I saw a mom with four boys. When I’m alone I try to give moms as much encouragement as possible. This lady had two boys in the cart, one walking with her and was carrying one in a sling. I was flat out impressed. I gave her a huge smile and wanted to say ‘go momma!’ to her. But as I walked past her eyes went to the floor. She walked by without making eye contact and my heart hurt a little. Not because she wouldn’t look at me or that I missed the chance to compliment her, but because I knew were she was coming from. All to well.
During another shopping trip without the kids, I watched two little boys in play in front of me in line. I smiled at the mom and the boys because they were too cute. They started to play dinosaurs and when the little one looked back at me I made dino hands and did a quiet roar. And then I heard it. A scoff from behind me. I tried to ignore it and continued to watch the boys (who were behaving). And then another scoff and a sigh. I turned around and was shocked to see an older women behind me. She caught my eyes and said “can you believe those boys running around like that?” I think my face turned bright red because my blood was boiling so much. I replied firmly “they are just boys and are not hurting anything”. I turned back around to the front and made a louder dinosaur noise to the youngest and received the biggest smile in return.
I don’t know when as a society we have become so intolerant of children and families. It boggles my mind that sex is plastered all over tv, billboards, shopping centers and magazines yet the act of raising children is frowned upon. Nine times out of ten when I am at a store with the kids I get disapproving looks and stares. Even when they are behaved! I see more mothers who walk around stores with their heads down then I can count. Myself included! Why? I want to avoid the stares and the whispers that come from others. I want to focus all my attention on kids so that some one else’s opinion doesn’t ruin my trip.
It wasn’t until I passed that mom of four in the grocery store that I realized this. I thought it was just me that walked around feeling judged and slightly embarrassed of being a mom. That makes me sad and slightly sick to type. But its the truth. Well, it was. I try not to look down but instead hold my head up when walking around the store. My kids are my everything, why should I let some one I don’t know affect us?
The thing is I never know how they are going to act. Sometimes they are amazing and we laugh the our way through the store. And then sometimes we cry our way through a store. Either way, taking them out with me should never be an embarrassment. And shame on me for feeling that way. And for others that give disapproving looks. Or tell another person how children should behave. Its hard enough raising kids without having to worry what other people will think when you step out of the house.
So to the mom of four in the grocery store, thank you. Thank you for taking your kids with you to the store. Thank you for helping me realize that I’m not alone. And most importantly, thank you for being a mom who juggles it all just like the rest of us.
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Hey y'all!I'm Kelley. I'm a recipe making, picture taking, coffee drinking momma to 4 crazy kiddos. Join me as I share our family favorite dinners and my copycat coffee drinks too!
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Aggie says
Although I don’t have any kids I always smile and wink at any kids shopping with mom. It is not easy to keep them corralled and do the shopping you intended to do. They are just kids and get bored easily so if they make a little noise so what. It’s not you have never seen “adults” act even worse.
Kelley says
Ha! Agreed! I like how you put adults in quotations too. 🙂
lisacng @ expandng.com says
I’d be totally impressed with a mom shopping with 4 kids alone too! I’ve only ever done it with one and that was when he was nearly 2 yrs old!!! Bravo to you for speaking-up for those kids. They are just being kids! And I’m going to hold my head up higher when I go shopping with my kids as well. I love that you said everything is plastered with sex, drugs, violence but kids, why do they get such disapproving looks?
Kelley says
I am still shocked that the lady behind me made such a silly comment. And yes! We should all hold our heads up high when we are with our kiddos. Go momma 🙂
Paisley says
To be honest, her comment really wasn’t that bad. For one, older women tend to be grumpy and judgmental. And two, kids are pretty annoying, especially if you don’t have them. I see women feeding their kids nothing but sugar in the store and then act bewildered when I look annoyed to see their children running into me and creating chaos. I used to work in a grocery store when I was in college, and the majority of the kids with their moms were spoiled brats. Now when the dad was shopping with the kids (which I actually saw more frequently) the kids were in cheque. If you don’t discipline your kids, they don’t deserve to be in public. I’m happy to see that you and many others are raising your kids to be happy and respectful.
Kelley says
Her comment was innocent enough, but the way she said it, her body gestures and the huffing and puffing was unnecessary. In my opinion. All children should be allowed in public, but your right, parents do need to discipline them if they get rowdy.
Kay S. says
I have always taken all 5 of my kids with me. But my kids were never allowed to run throughout the store and get in other peoples way. I love having my kids with me and now I always do since we started homeschooling.
Kelley says
Thats good. My kids don’t run around. They are always in the cart. Just don’t know what some people think. lol
Angela joslyn says
I always take my kids (son age 5, twin boy and girl age 2) to the store with me due to hubby working, I get looks sometimes, but I don’t let it bother me! I play with them and make goofy faces and noises to keep them entertained, and if someone doesn’t like it to bad! I also make goofy faces and noises to other kids too! You shouldn’t be judged by anyone.
Kelley says
I agree. Its hard enough shopping with kiddos without worrying what others think. And go momma for taking all 3 and having a good time! You rock 🙂
Nikita says
Way to go to the mom with all 4! It baffles me that people would think that way..I think sometimes people for get that children are people too, and that they were once that small in a grocery store with their parent(s) at one time or another probably throwing a fit. I always try to smile or be encouraging when I see a mom with her children or anyone in general.
Kelley says
I do the same thing – smile or say something nice. Especially to the moms that look stressed out or overwhelmed. And yes! The mom with the four kids was a super hero for sure!
Amy mayen says
When I get disapproving looks and scoff noises, I usually just give them something to talk about. Pick groceries off the shelf and tell your son to go long. Start playing frisbee with the cereal boxes, or better yet just start stacking them up and make a giant game of Jenga. I’ve found people are less nasty if they’re slightly scared of ones mental health.
Kelley says
Hahaha! And this is why I giant puffy heart you! lol. Makes me think of Jim Carey in Ace Ventura when hes walking around in the tutu. lol!!
Shannon (@DEsUnion) says
I had an incident with this lady in the checkout line at JoAnne’s. She had been watching us in the store and chose in line to make a comment. My husband thought I was going to deck her because I got into it. haha We are all doing the best we can! Instead of judging, help a lady out.
Kelley says
Holy moly! She watched yall through the whole store?! Thats pretty crazy! Im sorry you had to deal with that mess!
Mom says
Awesome post Kelley! You truly are the best Mommy one could be. You should be extremely proud of Ryley and Avery. Where are those brown tennies Avery has on??
Kelley says
hahahaha! I figured if anyone would notice shoes it would be you! I think they are in the car or in the basket at our house. Love you!
Ashlyn @ Belle of the Kitchen says
Great post, Kelley. I get my fair share of stares from people when I’m out with my kids and it used to really bother me and stress me out. I now have that same tunnel vision while I’m out with them, because I don’t want someone’s judgmental stare to ruin my day. You are so right though, that we should not have to feel this way and that us moms should hold our heads high! I think it is amazing that you encourage other moms when you are out, and I think I’m going to do the same. We all need that, and your post has done that for me today. 🙂
Kelley says
Well thats just awesome! I think that just a simple smile to a mom who looks stressed out or overwhelmed makes all the difference. We were at dinner the other night and I told a lady how well behaved her kids were. She just lit right up! 🙂
Becky says
Now imagine having a child with autism who is not even acting like a “normal” child and how difficult it is for that mother to take her kids anywhere. It’s very isolating for some of the parents who feel they can’t take their kids out in public at all unless it’s an event specifically for special needs kids. No shopping, no movies, no playgrounds. We should all be less quick to judge kids’ behavior. They may be hungry or tired or just having an off day, or there may be a whole medical condition that’s not obvious to the average bystander.
Kelley says
I totally agree. You never know someones situation so you should never judge them!
Leslie Anne @ Fairhope Supply Co. says
Wow. I think I’d find a new place to shop! Every time I would shop with my boys, people fell all over them! They loved to talk to them and make them laugh. I could hardly get my shopping done because everyone was always wanting to stop and “play” with them.
Don’t let people get you down. You are right to be friendly to children. And you are also correct that they can’t be perfect little miniature adults all the time either. It’s such a fabulous learning environment to take them out with you while you shop. The world is their real classroom and you are an excellent teacher!
Kelley says
I agree! They learn by doing, seeing, touching. Not by telling them what to expect and do. Its not just one store.. it seems to be everywhere we go that someone gives a disapproving look or scoff. Its not every time but it more often then it should be.
Karrie Smith says
I don’t think it’s the raising kids thing that people are intolerant of. I think it’s the people who *don’t* punish/correct their kids in public, and allow them to scream or cry without trying to console them. I guess older people don’t remember how hard it is having kids. It was easier back then, because if kids weren’t behaving you smacked them and sent them to the car (when they were 6 years old!)
I would have smiled if I was behind you in line and probably would have made a dino face at you, haha. I have stuck up for parents, and I have also been the person behind you in line. I have gotten into it in Ann Arbor, when someone in a white coat (dr, presumably) was checking out and her 3-4 year old was screaming at the top of his lungs, just to scream and be loud. I said something rude (sorry, but that kid gave me a migraine for the rest of the night, swear to God), the kid is screaming still, and my BF at the time was embarrassed and told me to be quiet. Oh, by the way it was 11pm at night. I probably said, are you going to tell your kid to shut up or would you like me to parent your kid for you? Yeah. Not my proudest moment. Instead of telling her kid to be quiet, she got mad and told me to shut up.
The guy in the next aisle started clapping and said THANK YOU to me. And told the lady that her kid was a brat (Again, not my proudest moment). Her kid was quiet while this happened, but started right up again. She said “Name, do you think you could be quiet please? you are disturbing the other people.” He threw his sippee cup at her and started yelling louder. She was from a different culture. Her child was male. Maybe in her culture she shouldn’t scold the boy? I have no idea. THat was the vibe I got. It was like the lady was living in her own world, where she tuned out her kid, and didn’t try to teach him how to act in public.
This was an extreme example and I remember it, because I could have behaved better. I remember it because I was embarrassed afterwards when I got home. But at the time, I felt I was right, to be rude and to get my point across.
I don’t know why Moms hide their eyes. My kid was born in ’96, and I was 17. (16 and pregnant, yes). Moms smiled at each other, and asked how old the kids were, and made mini-bffs in lines in stores. Kids aren’t perfect by any means, but I don’t mind “kid” behavior like having fun and running in the line back and forth. The stuff that gets to me, is the parents in their bubble world letting their kids scream and cry. I’m not even talking about tantrums. The kids that are just SUPER loud for no reason. These are kids that are crying out for attention, that their parents will not give them.
My suggestion, is to say “hi!”, to the Mom that looks down next time. Maybe they feel so judged by mean people, and other Moms. If you want to connect, and it sounds like you do, just say Hi. Being a Mom makes you WANT to say hi to other people with kids, I don’t know why, but it never really vanishes. It’s a lot stronger when you have little ones. I still play with babies and smile at them, while their mom is loading stuff in line. I have even made a couple babies stop crying in line before. I just don’t like it when parents are being the “bad ones” and not correcting their kids. I guess you had to be there. I always talked to my kid and looked like a weirdo just to keep her attention from being crazy while I loaded the cart. I just don’t understand letting kids do whatever they want.
Kelly-i KNOW you aren’t a mom like that. There’s not many of them, but I seem to run into them any time I’m stressed and getting a headache. I think it’s important to try and help the situation when a Mom is obviously stressed, without coming off as creepy 🙂 If I saw a Mom trying to diffuse the situation no matter how bad it is, I know that Mom is trying her best. I just try to smile at her, to show it’s not as bad as she thinks it might be.
But I do think the eyes-down thing is weird. Moms ARE worried about what they look like in public, and those are the Moms that usually don’t have anything to worry about. There is nothing wrong with bribing kids for good behavior either, haha. My daughter got a balloon EVERY time we went shopping (at least once a week) when she was 2-3 y.o., and NOW she saves up all her allowance, and doesn’t ask for anything for her bday or Christmas. It doesn’t spoil them, I promise 🙂 (at least for me). Mostly she has everything she needs (a laptop, a tablet through school, and we finally gave her a smartphone for her 18th bday). She’s actually really stingy with money for some reason.
Every situation is an opportunity to teach. You can reward them with a treat like one candy or an ice cream cone, or one (or w/e amout) dollar, or one special toy. With the dollar, you can teach them to save for a bigger treat or for a rainy day.
When I sub at schools, I find games like : Who likes… Ice cream? Who likes…? And they say me!!! Just think of little games that forces kids to think, but is kinda fun. Like: If I gave you a zillion dollars what is the first thing you would buy? If we moved to outer space, and we were the first ones there, what would you name the planet? It makes them laugh and think, so they don’t get restless. (obviously, you have to ask this with excitement or it doesn’t work!) I mean, it was WAYYYYY easier with one kid. 99% of the time, when I get irritated, the parent only has one kid. Go figure. I haven’t run into one in awhile. And I DO remember that time in Ann Arbor EVERY time I run into a situation, and try not to react like I did that day. And remind myself, it’s probably the parent’s bad behavior and not the childs. The child just wants attention that he’s not getting. All the other kid stuff doesn’t get to me. I once lined up my entire 3rd grade class at recess that had this weird slide with rollers, and made them keep going down as fast as they could, while I caught them and put them to the side before the next kid came down. Probably not the best thing to do, but it was really fun.
But I was ALWAYS super aware of what my kid was doing in public, bc I was such a young Mom and *always* felt judged. Most people thought she was my sister. Even when i was out with my Mom, they thought she was the Mom of both of us. I never wanted to look bad or like I couldn’t handle it. I was blessed with a good kid, who didn’t make a fuss in public if she had her balloon. It was a hard day, when the balloon person wasn’t there.
I want to hear how it goes with the Moms who look down next time! I think you could really brighten their day! (sorry this is so long, but it’s one of those topics I feel strongly about). Don’t ever stop Dino-roaring!s
Kelley says
“Moms that usually don’t have anything to worry about” YES! I thought that when I was writing but wasn’t sure how to say it. But I totally agree with that comment. I’ve told friends before.. if you worry about your parenting, you’re probably doing it right. And thank you so much for the kind words! I haven’t gone out with the kids this week but I know I will be extra encouraging and friendly to moms that are out and about!
Josh says
I am appalled by the way some people act. I always take my 2 year old son with me everywhere go and have never really had any issues. I think I have as much disdain about going to Joanne’s as my son does, so to entertain him I would be pushing the cart around make car noises or popping little wheelies just keep him entertained. I really don’t care what people think about me as long as I can keep him and my wife happy I am perfectly content. I don’t want to set a bad example for my son so when people act rude I just give them a big smile and hope that they know my smile means eff you because my son is awesome and that rudeness will not effect us at all.
Kelley says
Haha! You sound like an awesome dad! And it is sad how some people act towards others. Maybe they don’t realize it? Who knows. Thanks for the nice comment! Had me laughing at the last part! 🙂
Carla says
People sometimes think I’m crazy,I’ll play them little claw machines at Walmart and if I win anything I’ll give it the first little boy or girl I see. I’m only 13 but I love seeing those smiles I get when those little kids say thank you 🙂
Kelley says
Aww! Thats awesome! Such a fun idea 🙂
Laurie says
Thank you so much for this!! A friend of mine posted this on facebook and it really struck a nerve with me. Today, I took my 2 year old daughter with me to Kohl’s to go shopping. She was being incredibly sweet and was cracking me up. We were in the bathing suit section and she was confused and kept asking where the water was. Every time we turned a corner, she would ask “Is there water over here?” There were other shoppers in that section and they scowled and sighed when she repeated her question!! Then, in the changing room, we had a discussion about each suit I tried on and she was telling me which ones she liked. The two women in the room next to me were doing the same thing, and I could hear them discussing their outfits. Suddenly, I heard them whispering (loudly, I might add) that they were so tired of hearing that loud child in the next room commenting on her mom’s clothes!!! Really?!
Kelley says
Holy cow!! I can’t imagine having the nerve do say something like that! Especially since 2 year olds have the sweetest little voices! Don’t worry momma.. you sound like you are doing a great job!
Cathy@LemonTreeDwelling says
GREAT post, Kelley! I have so many of my own grocery store stories – I am always shocked and disheartened by people’s judgments and have definitely had my share of “head down” days. And then, every now and then, I pick my head up and am amazed by people’s kindness in my hard moments. (I just wish the kindness would happen more often!)
Kelley says
Agreed! But I’m just glad there are still kind people out there. And pick your head up mama! You do a great job with those girls!
Jessica says
Great post. Found this posted on our preschool wall to remind us all to be kind to other moms. I have two boys who no longer fit in a shopping cart. They sometimes need a reminder that there are other shoppers in the store and to be courteous when passing in an aisle and with their noise level. My youngest more so as he suffers from anxiety and shopping can sometimes be too overwhelming for him. I’ve had the stares as everyone else has and I have learned to keep my head up and move along with what I need to accomplish. I smile to other moms who are having “one of those days” to let her know, I’ve been there too. One day in particular sticks out. We were in line at the grocery store and the woman in front of me had two kids, both in the cart who were crying and trying to take things off the conveyor. Mom was clearly embarrassed, distracted, and becoming increasingly frustrated. I told my boys to go over and start making faces, be silly and dance around for her kids to see if they could make them laugh. Sure enough it worked and they paid attention to my kids and mom was able to get her groceries bagged and paid for. Once her cart was loaded she turned to me and thanked me for helping her and said that it was very kind of my kids to entertain her screaming kids. She was impressed that kids so young would be willing to help a stranger like that and she truly appreciated it. I said that no thanks was necessary, I’d been in her shoes and that is what us other moms are here for. She left less embarrassed, her kids left smiling and laughing! All us moms have our challenges, but a smile, a dino noise, or a silly dance can truly turn someone’s day around.
Kelley says
What an awesome story! That was so very kind of you to have your boys entertain the kids! My daughter is getting too big for a cart so I know some day soon that will be us. Thanks so much for your sweet comment Jessica!
Hannah says
The estate I live on is sort of eponymous with teen and young mums. I’m 28 and married but I look a little on the young side so I often get strange looks especially when out with my foster son and son (foster son is 15. Son is 4 months). I think we’re just so quick to judge as well. The Mom of four you were talking about could have been having a really rough day and just needed a bit of encouragement but instead she felt like making eye contact was the bad thing.
I’m a member of a Mums group on FB and a lady posted about being new to the town we live in and not knowing anyone. I sent her a message to the effect of “I hope it’s not weird but fancy a coffee?” I’ve lived here all my life and so use that local knowledge – I think I included something to the effect of “if you just need directions to the local supermarket or which day to avoid town I’m your girl”. She came back to me and said it was so lovely of me to message her and she’d love to grab a coffee. We’re off for our “mummy date” next week and I’m (geekily) excited!
Jessica Sager says
You are a very gracious, kind-hearted person! I love it when strangers smile, or nod or say a friendly greeting as we pass by – I feel connected to humanity. You’re spreading that spirit!
I have a bad habit of parenting from of fear of what other people will think, as opposed to parenting from what my children really need. Knowing that doesn’t make it go away, sadly! Maybe with enough self-reminders, it will lessen.
Being a parent to young children is rough. VERY rough. I have two: a one year old and a soon-to-be five year old. I’m extremely blessed to have a husband who will happily go to the store, sometimes daily, b/c I’m terrible at planning ahead (“I know I just sent you for cream, but now we’re out of milk!” Ha!) so I don’t have to take my kids (4.5 and 1) to the store very often.
When I see rambunctious kids in a store, or when my own are the squirrly ones, I try and see it from their perspective: what young child would willing choose to be in a store and have to “behave”? I mean, that’s the way life is – our kids have to go places with us and a mom can only do so much to plan it around naps and meals (and having more than a couple kids makes that all but impossible!). But children are just beginning the life long lesson of “that’s just the way life is: sometimes we have to do things we don’t want to do, in order to get to the things we do want to do.”. Of all people, perhaps the least learned need the most compassion. 🙂
Lest anyone think I abide by my own words, I think I’ll paste this into Notes and read it whenever I take my kids to the store. He he. 😉
Kelley says
You are so so right Jessica! We have to see it from their eyes. And that’s so hard to do sometimes. Especially when you just want to get in and out of store quick. Or go out to eat. Or anything really. Kids have little minds of their own!